It was a dreary, normal Monday afternoon in cold November. I was 41+2 weeks pregnant and walking to a routine antenatal clinic to organise inducement as I was getting impatient to see my first bubba. Little did I know I would be meeting him very, very soon, but not in the way we all expected. I was in there just a few minutes when my midwife wanted to check on his heartbeat (didn't know it was a ‘he’ at the time). We couldn't find it. I'm quite big so I thought it might be that she thought there was too much water, but deep down I knew he was gone. She sent me on my way to the hospital on my own (bearing in mind I was only 18 at the time), so I called my mum, who was the closest one to me with a car, in tears saying “My baby has gone, I need to get to the hospital”. How she wasn't pulled over for speeding, I don't know.
We got to the hospital and they took me in straight away for an emergency scan, only to confirm what I already knew. All they said was “I'm sorry”. I just curled up into a ball and didn't want anyone near me or my baby until Gary (my DP) got there. He worked two hours away so it took him ages. My daddy had already warned him outside the hospital and I remember his face as he walked into my room. That’s a look I never want to see again, and we just hugged for what seemed forever, then they gave me some medication and sent me home!
I was to come back on the Wednesday for an inducement so they gave us a room. There was me, Gary, my mum, my dad, and my dad’s mum. My nan was fantastic, she never left my side the whole time, I love my nanny. Some family members came to visit but most of them just didn't know what to do or say so that didn't really help that much. I told all of the midwives and family members that I wanted it to be born on the 11th, and if I was to lose my baby, I wanted it to be on Remembrance Day. They all told me if it doesn't happen that way, it doesn't happen that way, but I was determined and after a nice short labour that shocked everyone, as they told us to prepare for a long painful labour as I would have to do it all myself, Benjamin was born on 11/11/04 at 2.55am and weighed a nice 6lbs 3oz.
The days after that are all such a blur, I get the odd flash back now and again but nothing really that clear. We buried Benjamin on the 16th of December. It was a small ceremony with the chaplain who blessed Benjamin when he was born. I wrote and tried to read out a poem (mum had to finish it for me) then we finally said goodbye.